1994-95

The 90’s-

The glorious Clinton years were in full swing, Toby Bailey, Ed O’Bannon and the UCLA Bruins cut down the nets, Steve Young finally got that monkey off his back and won the Super Bowl, Ace Of Base was taking America by storm with their techno-infused Swedish beats (I admit it, I had the album)….

And, in the heart of Westminster, Maryland, an 17 year-old Panek got drunk for the first time.

To the casual observer, it wasn’t terribly noteworthy; I went to a party, drank 4 Keystone Lights, threw up on my shoes, smoked 3 Swisher Sweet cigarillos, and woke up on a pile of blankets on the living room floor.

It was also the greatest night of my 17 year old life.

I spent the early part of high school basically picking up where I left off in middle school; pissing my teachers off with my grating yet witty sense of humor, telling dick jokes with my friends, and wondering just how the hell I was ever going to ever get invited to a party or touch my first boob.

Junior year was another matter, though, and I finally got invited to one of these huge parties I had heard so much about. Years of painstakingly making friends with people who knew people had finally paid off! So, I abandoned my closest friends who didn’t get the invite (I later found out that they almost called the police and had the party busted, but decided to spare me at the last minute…if they did, I’d have totally deserved it!) and riding out to the party with some of my lacrosse teammates.

I don’t really remember much from that night, on account of the fact that I was drunk back then and am currently old as fuck. I know they actually had an “invite list”- as if a gathering of drunken high school kids in Carroll County was Studio Fucking 54- and that I was somehow on it. “Friends in Low Places” and “The Thunder Rolls” by Garth Brooks were on a constant loop all night, I’m pretty sure I remember some dick from the football team wanting to beat me up for bumping into him, and, as I mentioned before, I painted my shoes with Keystone.

A funny thing happened that night, though. After cleaning my shoes and composing myself, I realized that being drunk is fucking awesome.

I cracked jokes and smoked cigars with people that would normally never give me the time of day, grabbed girls and danced with them in the living room (during the rare times when somebody put on something other than Garth Brooks), and felt pretty invincible until I passed out in the living room. I decided then and there that I was going to go to a party every weekend for the rest of my high school career. *
*Didn’t go to another party for 3 months

One thing I can say with certainty is that going to that party definitely changed my life.
I made several friends that night with whom I still keep in touch, finally got to touch a boob (it was awesome), and realized that all of my years of being a class clown made me an absolute hit at parties. For the rest of high school (and to some degree, to this very day), I took pride in being the center of attention at every party I attended. If I wasn’t phoning local businesses impersonating different “Jerky Boy” voices, I was breaking out some crazy dance moves or trying to break the world beer bong speed record…and loving every minute of it.

And thus, being the life of the party became young Panek’s way of life...

Random facts about high school Panek:
-Smoked Marlboro Lights, as did about 90 percent of teenage boys in Westminster
-Owned CDs by Hootie and the Blowfish, Seven Mary Three, and Silverchair (I really thought they'd be around forever!)
-Once was tricked into smoking catnip from a corncob pipe by my friends, who told me it was marijuana. They told me the truth only after I started to act stoned.
-Had 2 earrings in my left ear (one on the top)
-Once stood up in the middle of 11th grade American History and yelled “I’LL ROCK YOUR WORLD” at the girl with the best grades in the class after correctly answering a question she didn’t know

Well, hope you enjoyed part 1 in the series.

Coming soon….
College Panek!