Now you're probably either thinking that my afforementioned excessive weekend drinking is either very alarming, or questioning why I'd ever give it up because alcohol is the sweet, sweet nectar of the gods.

Actually, who am I kidding; nobody's reading this except for my girlfriend, and she's just glad to have control of the remote for once. Is that Jon and Kate Plus 8 in the background? I have no idea; I'm too engrossed in writing this kick-ass blog.

Anyhow, where was I? Ah yes...back to my original point. If you think I've got issues because I plan to consume a 40 ounce of Olde English (an underrated and underappreciated malt liquor), 10 beers, and a few shots of whiskey during the NCAA basketball tournament on Friday, OR

that I've got issues because I'm giving up that glamourous lifestyle in a few weeks to live the life of a teatotaling sissy....

You're both wrong.

Now, I admit, I could probably do without drinking quite so much on Friday. And yes, I could probably not go to the other extreme and completely give up drinking for 30 days. However, I was born without what the New England Journal of Medicine calls the "off switch"- a little known gland located in the left love-handle that regulates alcohol consumption, so I figured an aggressive approach was the way to go.

The funny thing is, I have no desire to drink right now. Zero. Hell, yesterday was St. Patrick's Day for cryin' out loud, and I went running, watched The Biggest Loser (and vowed to never let myself get to the point where I have multiple sets of manboobs), and was in bed by 10:30.

I'm what you call a "Weekend Warrior", and have been for a ridiculously long time. Come Friday at 5:00 pm, the mild-mannered gentleman you have become intimately familiar with from the previous paragraph turns into all-consuming tornado of alcoholic engery, sustained by Chimay, Jameson, and the laughter of strangers.

Is that bad? Well, yes and no. While my weekend wars have provided me with enough stories to blog about for weeks on end (which I undoubtedly will), they have also caused the occasional lapse in judgment, put a bit of a dent in my cash flow (you're crazy if you think I'll ever attempt to calculate how much I've spent on bar tabs in my life. my head may literally explode), and kept me rather husky despite a regular workout regimen.

I guess you could say I'm conducting my self-imposed 30 day alcohol deprivation experiement just to see what happens. Will I cave after a week when I'm invited to a particularly awesome happy hour? Will I lose 20 pounds and get discovered by a male modeling agency, starting off in commercials for "Snuggies" and working my way to the catwalk in Milan?

I guess we'll find out!

After all, the ABC store will still be there in May...liquor is recession proof.