Bowling

Scores from 2 weeks ago after drinking a 40 ounce Olde English, Irish Car Bomb, Jameson on the rocks and a gang of beers:
131, 98, 113

Scores from last night, when I was sober as a judge:
93, 99, 110

I've always found it fascinating that drinking seems to enhance my ability to play games like bowling, pool and darts, especially since it affects most people I know in a very similar fashion. Conventional wisdom suggests that the "drunk zone" as we've come to call it is a result of the alcohol molecules adhering to the part of the brain that causes one to overthink small details, which I think is partially true. Take last night, for example; as soon as my buddy Tom commented on my unorthodox form ("dude, why isn't your thumb in the hole?") that has been proven effective in many a drunk bowling session, I couldn't stop obsessing over the way I was throwing the ball. Now, if I had polished off the previously mentioned cornucopia of booze, I a) probably wouldn't have heard what he said, or b) would simply shrugged it off, turned my hat around backwards, taken 3 loping strides, and uncorked a Panek Screwball down the aisle- knocking down all the pins, bouncing the ball into the next lane, or falling on my ass.

While this semi scientific explanation is probably the root cause of the "drunk zone" in bar sports, I'd like to think that alcohol, when consumed in precisely the right quantity, grants some sort of quasi-mystical ability to the Bar Sportsman. For some it may be 2-4 drinks. Others, like myself (particularly in my current, burly state), maybe it's more like 4-7. It's a delicate balance, to be sure. Hit the sauce too softly, and you'll be sweating your next move and actually trying to, you know, work on your bowling form, look at the angles on the pool table, or line up your dart. Take that one drink that puts you over the edge, though, and next think you know you'll get kicked out of the bowling alley and wind up leaving with your bowling shoes still on, shoot the cue ball into the juke box, or hit the bouncer in the ass with a dart. Stick within that "drunk zone", though, and you'll see that next shot in ways that the sober (or extremely inebriated) mind could never see it. You'll react before you think, with unpredictable, but often very favorable results.

Alcohol is probably not the first thing that comes to mind when considering the effects of "performance enhancing drugs" , but if modern science were to really throw some resources into tapping the potential of the "drunk zone"- the sky, my friends, would be the limit.

Interesting...

Well, not surprisingly, I:

-Woke up today with no headache and lots of energy
-Mysteriously have all this money in my wallet
-Got 10 hours of awesome, uninterrupted sleep
-Still managed to have a pretty fun weekend

I wasn't even really tempted to drink TOO many times. I found myself drooling at some guy's Magic Hat #9 at brunch this morning, but I stayed strong and had an orange juice.

I think this month is gonna go pretty well, as long as I kep busy. I think the big challenge will be scaling back a bit once I start drinking again, since, as we've established, moderation has never been my strong suit.

Gonna start working on my "Stages of Panek" stories that chronicle my years of drinking this week..looking for some funny old pics to post.

1 down...30 to go

All things considered, I'd say yesterday went pretty well. Met up with our friends Nick and Cara and saw "I Love You, Man", which was pretty good, although a few of Paul Rudd's awkward moments rang a little close to home!


But I didn't come here to give you a movie review. I came here to tell you that I resisted the call of the margarita from the place next to the theater (heyyyy! where joo goin' papi? !dreeeenk me, gordito! !dreeenk meeeee!) and my only vice was a medium cherry coke. Woke up around 8:30 this morning feeling pretty fantastic, which is pretty awesome considering most Saturdays I wake up with at least a slight headache.. Sweet.


So, I decided that today would be my first weight-in, so I can measure the results of "Panek's Prohibition", and being that I want my readers to get the full "Panek Experience", I decided (against my better judgment) to post the results. Okay...here we go. Let's just get this scale going, step up there and.....
HOLY HELL!

No wonder people have been telling me to avoid motorboat propellers while eating kelp if I ever go swimming in South Florida!

Wow, knew it'd be high, but that's the biggest I've been since my days of double-fistin' foot long breakfast sandwiches at 2 am in Philly back in '99. To put it in perspective, last summer when I rode in the 1oo mile "Tour De Cure" bike ride to fight diabetes, I weighed in at a semi-svelte 216.

Well, I'm not gonna let this get me down. Dropping some tonnage is definitely one of my goals here, and eliminating the double-digit weekend drinks will go a long way to that end. Plus, it's about time to get the bike fixed and hit the trail...hopefully it can still support my enormous bulk! Na, I'm looking forward to getting in better shape. I'm still pretty young, so if I get my act together now, I don't think I'll be in danger of being mistaken for a manatee anytime soon.

Ok, time to get motivated and hit the gym. More to come...

Day 1

Strange...this seems like any other weekday. I honestly thought I'd be more antsy than I am now, but I'm feelin' pretty good. Granted, I'm only a few hours in, and have yet to meet temptation, but I feel better about this little experiment than I did this morning.

Ok, short post today- off to the movies. I'll just walk right past the bar we'd usually hit up for a couple margaritas before the show...no matter how delicious and salty and tequila filled they are (wait, what?)

Tomorrow:
My first weigh-in (break out the special recycling scale!)
My first temptation (basketball with some beers in the building)
Other musings

T-Minus 24 Hours

So I decided the clock is officially started on the "no drink zone".

Yeah, there's no point in delaying it any longer- it'll just make it harder to start next week. Weird, since I'm typically all about procrastination...waiting till the last minute just feels oh so right! I've been less inclined to put things off since I decided to try and pull off December 23rd Christmas shopping...at Tyson's Corner. It took me almost 2 hours to drive 5 miles that day; you best believe I did some drinking as soon as I got home.

It's funny, I told myself that I was gonna just pick a month where it didn't seem like any big parties or any gatherings involving more than 3 of my college buddies (I'm only human, for God's sake!), so April looked like a winner. I also told myself that no month, no matter how innocuous it seems, will be free of temptations to stray from the straight and narrow and walk the path of the Weekend Warrior.

In a perfect world, I'd go about my business, have a quiet, relaxing month with Michelle and hope I don't have any brew-shakes on the first weekend. However, being that I don't live in a cave in Kandahar, situations that would typically involve drinking will inevitably find me. Sure enough, I've already been invited to a happy hour (tonight), another happy hour (tomorrow), and beers and NCAA basketball (Saturday).

Now, I've been contemplating how I'd handle it when the dranks came-a-callin' since I decided to take on this seemingly easy yet every so difficult task, and I came to the conclusion that I'm just gonna try and roll like a regular "Joe No-Pack".

I mean, I'd like to think my friends are still going to invite me to stuff, even if they may not get as much intentional and unintentional comedy out of me. I think as long as I avoid certain situations that almost necessitate some heavy duty drinking, I can get through this month pretty easily. Some of these include:

Socially Awkward/Forced Situations
I can't stand being in a situation where I'm in a social situation with a person and they either won't talk or won't shut the hell up. Yeah, there's no way I'm ever abandoning that abuse of alcohol. I'm pretty sure that type of situation is why ancient civilizations discovered alcohol in the first place. Better avoid all strangers entirely, just to be on the safe side.

All-Day Drinking Festivals
This one goes without saying, I guess, but figured I'd mention these because they used to be something I really looked forward to. Nothing quite like being 4 beers deep before noon; it seems like the day will never end...until you suddenly wake up in a strange place with one shoe on*

*Partially based on true events

Anyway, I don't think I really like the big all day drunken debacles like Shamrockfest here in DC anymore. Maybe it's the fact that I have a diminished tolerance for meatheads with popped collars and chicks vomiting on their shoes on the metro at 7 am. Call me old fashioned. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to chase these teenagers off my lawn.

The Virginia State Beer Pong Tournament
Okay, okay- you get the idea.

Yeah, the more I think about my drink free April, the more I think that it's mainly gonna be about getting used to a new routine. I think doing something every weekend for a number of years has just gotten me into the habit of bending the elbow (at some point I'm going to run out of drinking metaphors!) on a regular basis. I tend to find change scary and confusing at times, and I think this is no different than how I've handled a number of things in my life. Michelle's been very helpful to me in this regard- thanks to her, I discovered I like broccoli, enjoy going to spin class, and like more than one sandwich at the Lost Dog Cafe- I think having her around will do wonders for my little alcoholic challenge.

So, I think what I'll do is lay low tomorrow, watch some basketball with my friends while sipping on a coca cola (and possibly overeating...Rome wasn't built in a day), and hit up brunch with my friend on Sunday in lieu of Friday happy hour. Looks like everything's wrapped up in a nice little package! This should be no problem at all.

...but I know it won't be that easy.

Remote Posting!!!

I'm making this post via my gmail account, so brace yourselves...you're in for a white-knuckle thrill ride!

Actually, don't have a heck of a lot goin' on right now. My life is pretty ordinary on most weekdays, which is how I like it (for the most part). I finally feel like I've rejoined the realm of the living after my 2 day hangover, although I woke up this morning with some nasty back pain, which kind of sucks. While I can't really blame that on any drunken injuries, I can't rule out the fact that my interrupted sleep schedule caused violent some late night flounder-flopping, which led to my tweaked back. Okay, maybe that was a bit harsh. After all, I'm not looking for a permanent divorce from sweet lady liquor...I just need my space.

SO, as I said yesterday, I am contemplating getting on with my little experiment starting this weekend. Of course, as soon as I almost make the decision to put my plan in motion, I got a Facebook message from a friend from out of town who's gonna be here in Alexandria on Friday and looking to hit some bars.

Now, the way I see it, this could go one of three ways. Since I didn't initially plan to start my hiatus until April 1st, I wouldn't technically be "cheating", so I could just do what I would generally do and get crunked, take a cab home, and wake up hung over and missing some cash. I actually don't feel like doing that at all, believe it or not. I could also make an excuse, hang out at home and shun the outside world, and suggest we do lunch on Saturday. Totally not my style, and I don't really like missing fun times. I COULD also opt for moderation and go out for an hour or 2, catch up, tuck myself in early and hope that the "3 beer hangover" doesn't set in- a test of will power, to be sure. That actually sounds like the best option, if not an early barometer of my will power to succumb the sweet siren song of the Irish Car Bomb.

Not sure which way I'll go yet, to be honest. Michelle will be with me and can be fairly influential as to when I leave bars (a pinch to the ear generally does the trick, although I never make it easy to remove me from a bar!), so I think I may opt to go out, have a couple of farewell drinks, and embark on my odessy on Saturday. We shall see...we shall see.

Guess that's it for this evening. Once my dry-out begins, I've decided that I'm going to write a 4-part series chronicling the evolution of my relationship with alcohol. I'll start with 17 year old Panek right around the time he vomited on his shoes after drinking 3 Keystone Lights in 1994. Then I'll move on to College Panek- virtuoso of the beer bong, host of the bitchinest parties this side of Charles and Hawke St, and conisseur of the plastic liquor bottle. We'll catch up with Philly Panek and explore his penchant for Yuengling Lager and double fisting large breakfast sandwiches at 2 am, and his eventual metamorphosis into a fairly physically fit and active Weekend Warrior. Finally, we'll look at my life since I moved to VA...which has been very cool but occasionally a tad overindulgent- a balancing act between 100 mile bike rides and high octane Belgian beers (oh, how I'll miss them...).

I'll keep em short and sweet, and make sure to include some hilarious pictures that sum up my state at each stage. I think you'll like them.

Ok, Suze Orman's gonna tell me how to save some money now...if she saw some of my bar tabs, she'd pull my ass out of that bar by the ear before Michelle could even get to me.

Weight Watchin'

This gentleman is Grady Jackson, defensive tackle for the Detroit Lions. He and I have a lot in common.

I can't pull off a mustard colored velvet jumpsuit (I wish I could, believe me), take on two 300 pound offensive lineman at once, and from what I can tell from this photo, Grady drives a much fancier car than me.

No, Grady and I both have issues with keeping out weight under control. Grady's weight gain may be on a grander scale- an ESPN article said that Grady "is listed at 350 pounds, but appears much larger" (Ouch!), but I too have trouble keeping the scale at a level at which I'm comfortable. It's pretty stressful to try to maintain a low weight, and I don't even have to deal with getting fined by my NFL franchise for every pound overweight I am at the morning weigh in! No wonder Grady felt pressure to use the banned substance "StarCaps" to drop some tonnage...he's only human! LEAVE GRADY JACKSON ALONE!

Okay, back to me. Now, I could bellyache and blame my weight on my slow-as-molasses metabolism (thanks Mom & Dad). impotently pissing and moaning- cursing evolution for making this way as I've done so many times before, or I could do something about it.

Now, I've had varying degrees of success losing weight since my college days (I will eventually summon the courage to post a picture of myself from college. My friend Tom recently said I was like "Mega Panek"), but the weight always seems to sneak back up on me and make me all soft and puffy. Now, let's see...what's been a constant vice in my life the past, oh, 13 years?

Could it be a certain calorie-laden substance that lowers my inhibitions and increases the likelihood of me spontaneously breaking out goofy white boy dance moves every 7 days??? Yup, it's the booze.

Today I was thinking about how many calories I must put down on some weekends, and it's pretty staggering to think of it in those terms. Even when I have an evening of "light" drinking ("priming the engine", remember?), I really like to drink Belgian beer and other heavy brews...Michelob Ultra they ain't. I'd venture to say that a night of moderate drinking (in my terms, anyway) would equate to a roughly the caloric equivalent of an average sized Thanksgiving dinner, with a Boston creme pie thrown in for good measure. All the spin classes in the world aren't gonna burn that off.

So, I'm pretty confident that my drinking hiatus will help me to melt off some unsightly pounds, which is definitely a motivation for me to succeed. Nothing quite like having the ole trousers fiting a little bit more loosely to make you feel like a million bucks! I hope that my introspective look at the overindulgences in my life will help me become a bit more moderate...I'm pretty sure it will.

If not, guess I'll be shopping for a new mustard velvet jumpsuit!

Well folks, that's about it for now. Feeling fairly crappy today (after hitting 30, the hangovers tend to last for 2 days), so I think I'm gonna start my month off one week early...no sense putting it off any more. Time to DO WORK!

Fire!

Keg of dogfish head 60 minute ipa last night at my stepsister's place in baltimore. Good times.

So we're about halfway into the party, and her husbnd decided to show off his juggling skills...

...with flaming chains! Nothing says safety like drinking and fire.

Feeling tired and sluggish today, and haven't really done too much, which is a shame considering how nice it is outside. I have a feeling that once I hit the brakes on the booze train for a while, my weekends won't go by so fast. Now I've just got to figure out what I'm going to do with all this extra time!

Remoresful Duff

Wow, so that was quite a day. Not really sure why I started writing the lyrical stylings of Humpty Hump and the Big Tymers last night...guess that's the fun of the drunk post. Drunk posting is like a box of chocolates...chocolates filled with alcohol.

Feeling pretty lousy today, and then I looked in the mirror...

HOLY HELL!

WOW! I look as good as I feel. Glad I've got a haircut at 1 today. Better not step on the scale- I retain water like Sally Struthers.

I had a good time yesterday- went bowling, watched some good basketball, and hung out with my friends. I don't THINK I did anything too silly, aside from repeatedly asking Natasha "we're going bowling, aren't we??? please say we're going bowling!" I tend to get a little repetitive when I drink malt liquor.

But still, looking at my ramblings from last night, my disheveled appearance this morning, and feeling the throbbing pain in my head validates my decision to take a break from the madness for a bit. I'm pretty sure I'll still be the entertaining gentleman you all know and love when I'm sober...but I may not call you at 3 am quite as often.

aight

stop whatcha doin
cause om about to ruin

the image and tje style what ya used to

unda my nutz was 2 ounces o crack...
fronted my lil whoadie
an ounce of crack

druuuuuuuuuuuunk

dank beers

hahaha

feeling a little bit drunk right about now

ive abandoned capitalization and punctuation, and my head feels funny. and now, some random thoughts-

-kevin pittsnogle now lives in a trailer
-tommy drank a red JOOSE
-why the fuck isn't west virginia fouling!?!?!
-joe flacco lives with his parents
-basketbawful
-tommy is changing behind the bar!!!! stop it!
-west virginia is shitting the bed
-tavares gooden is a prama, and knows his multiplication tables
-bout to go bowling! i'm definitely bowling a 220

if you think i'm bad...

wait till you read this. this guy was the president of mary washington!

/i'm drunk
//but at least i didn't bust out of a hospital after drunkenly flipping my car, busting out of the hospital, getting another car, popping 2 tires, and getting arrested AGAIN!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/11/30/AR2007113001755.html

It's On...

All Warmed Up

I'm getting pretty damned excited about my upcoming day of drinking and basketball.

My warmup drinks from last night seem to have done their job and didn't cross over to the dreaded "light drinking hangover"- another strange drinking phenomenon where a seemingly light evening of drinking causes an inexplicably bad hangover. This tends to increase with age.

I grant you, some may not consider 5 brown ales and a glass of Chimay "light drinking", but those people are definitely NOT my target audience and I do not value their opinions on alcohol. I mean, I don't tell them how to do....whatever it is they do.

I've been a productive member of society today; I cleaned my condo, went to the dry cleaner's and got gas for my awesome yellow Subaru Baja (jealous?). However, this is just the calm before the storm.

Later today, I'll make a drunken post or 2. Don't be alarmed if you see many spelling/grammatical errors, long diatribes against my perceived enemies, or videos of me dropping glasses of alcohol into other glasses of alcohol and drinking them very quickly...it's perfectly normal.

I'm pretty interested/apprehensive to see how this turns out, Hopefully I remember to post!

True Story

Last week, I drank from a mason jar of Georgia Moon Corn Whiskey...

Tasted pretty good mixed with stawberry kiwi limeade...there were lost of flavors!

/still tasted like turpentine.

Goodnight, blogosphere! Feelin' good after a night of "priming the engine" (recovered from my table spillage to put back a couple more brown ales...probably still legally drunk, but whatever! the engine is primed.)

Why exactly am I giving this up again? Oh, right- I'm chubby and my liver hurts..

And

....I just spilled a beer all over the table. maybe some time off will do me some good!

"he's a big dumb animal, isn't he folks???"

"Low Tolerance Night"

So apparently "priming the engine" has escalated into another drinking phenomenon...the "low tolerance night".

The "low tolerance night" is something I've never been able to figure out. You're talking to a gentleman who has put down enough liquor in one night to incapacitate a horse, yet for some reason, every once in a while I'll drink 3 beers and immediately become a giggling schoolgirl. I have yet to discover a pattern or a cause for this fleeting and seemingly indiscriminate lack of drinking tolerance, and I've had many years of field experience.

For instance- this evening, 3 of my new friends and the Belgian exchange student have gone missing. In my gullet. Normally, this would give me a small buzz, but right now I feel pretty funny. Michelle told me I'm talking too much and too loudly. I just tried to address an envelope and wrote my dentist's name in the top right hand corner, and I can't seem to stop uriniating!

Weird.

Guess I'll get another envelope...and another beer.

Whew

Much better.

Now I can watch basketball in style...with 6 new friends and a Belgian exchange student! Wouldn't want Chimay to be lonely, now would we? This delightful beverage has never seen the outside of a Belgian monestary...it shouldn't be unescorted in a strange place.

So I'm going to indulge in a little "warm up" drinking tonight to prepare for the marathon of decadence that awaits me tomorrow. We "Weekend Warriors" sometimes refer to this as "priming the engine"- having 3-5 drinks the night before an anticipated drinking event to subtly reintroduce the body to the various effects of the drank. *

*7 out of 10 instances of "priming the engine" result in excessive guzzling, drunk dialing, and/or hysterical pregnancy

Anyhow, I've got some basketball to watch and my Chimay is getting warm...

I'll check back later and let you know how my evening is progressing.

Thursday

Well, this seems like a typical Thursday afternoon. Worked till 5, went for a run, and I'm about to settle in for a relaxing evening at home watching The Office and 30 Rock.

Wait- what's that you say? The NCAA Tournament is on?? AND I DON'T HAVE TO WORK TOMORROW???

HOLY SHIT! BEER BEER BEER

Be back in 5

Now you're probably either thinking that my afforementioned excessive weekend drinking is either very alarming, or questioning why I'd ever give it up because alcohol is the sweet, sweet nectar of the gods.

Actually, who am I kidding; nobody's reading this except for my girlfriend, and she's just glad to have control of the remote for once. Is that Jon and Kate Plus 8 in the background? I have no idea; I'm too engrossed in writing this kick-ass blog.

Anyhow, where was I? Ah yes...back to my original point. If you think I've got issues because I plan to consume a 40 ounce of Olde English (an underrated and underappreciated malt liquor), 10 beers, and a few shots of whiskey during the NCAA basketball tournament on Friday, OR

that I've got issues because I'm giving up that glamourous lifestyle in a few weeks to live the life of a teatotaling sissy....

You're both wrong.

Now, I admit, I could probably do without drinking quite so much on Friday. And yes, I could probably not go to the other extreme and completely give up drinking for 30 days. However, I was born without what the New England Journal of Medicine calls the "off switch"- a little known gland located in the left love-handle that regulates alcohol consumption, so I figured an aggressive approach was the way to go.

The funny thing is, I have no desire to drink right now. Zero. Hell, yesterday was St. Patrick's Day for cryin' out loud, and I went running, watched The Biggest Loser (and vowed to never let myself get to the point where I have multiple sets of manboobs), and was in bed by 10:30.

I'm what you call a "Weekend Warrior", and have been for a ridiculously long time. Come Friday at 5:00 pm, the mild-mannered gentleman you have become intimately familiar with from the previous paragraph turns into all-consuming tornado of alcoholic engery, sustained by Chimay, Jameson, and the laughter of strangers.

Is that bad? Well, yes and no. While my weekend wars have provided me with enough stories to blog about for weeks on end (which I undoubtedly will), they have also caused the occasional lapse in judgment, put a bit of a dent in my cash flow (you're crazy if you think I'll ever attempt to calculate how much I've spent on bar tabs in my life. my head may literally explode), and kept me rather husky despite a regular workout regimen.

I guess you could say I'm conducting my self-imposed 30 day alcohol deprivation experiement just to see what happens. Will I cave after a week when I'm invited to a particularly awesome happy hour? Will I lose 20 pounds and get discovered by a male modeling agency, starting off in commercials for "Snuggies" and working my way to the catwalk in Milan?

I guess we'll find out!

After all, the ABC store will still be there in May...liquor is recession proof.

Nnnyello!

"To alcohol; the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems"
-Homer Simpson

No poem, no work of art- no Irish drinking song for that matter, has ever nailed it quite like Homer.

I've experienced the roller coaster ride of weekend boozing for over a decade now, and I think it would be an understatement to say that it's been quite a ride.
It's bought me a night in the drunk tank in college, introduced me to friends I will have for my entire life, given me countless bumps and bruises in occasionally hilarious fashion, and put me face to face with the woman I love (over a sugary cocktail with a glowing ice cube).
It's given me an enhanced sense of humor and made me feel invincible, made me slightly better at pool and bowling, given me some of the worst headaches I've ever had, and a spare tire that reminds me of my weekend revelry with every jiggle.

I've been through a lot with good old boozerini- some of which I wish I remember, some I'm probably better off not knowing- but I think it's about time I gave my liver a break. I'm 32 years old, and I recently came to the realization that since my freshman year in college, I've abstained from weekend drinking approximately 10 times. Wow. Fuck a break, my liver deserves a medal! That tough little summamabitch has been workin' O-VER-TIME.

SO, I'm taking a month off. Starting on April 1st, I will venture into uncharted territory. No beer, no wine, no JOOSE (don't ask) shall touch these lips. And for you, good reader, I will keep a running journal of my experience.

I'm gonna start by filling you in on my last 2 weeks of drinking, which will include the opening weekend of the NCAA Basketball Tournament, which has been one of my biggest excuses to swill everything in sight and become a stark raving madman. If you're lucky, you may even get a drunk post...if you're really lucky you'll be able to make sense out of it!

Come April Fools Day, though, we'll find out what I'm made of, and I'll be happy to have you along for the ride. I'll track my weight loss, rate my mood on a scale of 1 to 5 Barney Gumbels, and post some pics that reflect my mental state- my "state of Panek", if you will.

More to come!

Cheers